The List

I have been working on a list of 30 things I'd like to accomplish before my 30th birthday.  However, I have had some reservations about participating in this adventure.

• I am not sure that I will be able to complete everything on my list.  While this doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, I like to be able to cross things off my list.  I don't like feeling like I left things undone and I definitely don't like feeling like I failed at a goal.

• I am a little worried that by focusing all my energy on making my 29th year a fantastic year, I will inadvertently usher in my 30th on a low note. 

While I don't really feel like my life is ending when I turn 30, I'm not really sure I want to have both of these feelings - disappointment that my 29th year is over and failing to complete my list - as my 30th year starts.  The age-old saying of "adding insult to injury" comes to mind.

I wasn't sure, until recently, how to reconcile these feelings.  My friend Catherine recently posted on Facebook something similar.  Except with a very significant difference.  She has already turned 30 and made her list for her 30th year - to make her 30th year the best.  I like this idea.  I feel like it will make turning 30 something to look forward to instead of something to dread.  Usher in my 30th year going up the hill in anticipation of what is to come instead.

Based on this, I have revised my plan.  My list has remained the same, but I have changed the time frame.  I am now looking to complete the items on my list before my 31st birthday, August 28th 2014.  I now think of this list as a way to look forward to my 30's instead of missing my 20's. A way to bring new interests and experiences into my life. 

So, here goes...

One of the things I enjoy most is seeing and experiencing new places. I can't wait to share this joy with Esther.  My list needed to include some items related to TRAVEL:

1. Take a trip with Scott. 
2. Take Esther to the Zoo
3. Take Esther to the Ocean
4. Take Esther to a Children's Museum
5. See one of the Natural Wonders of the World 

I am a little bit of a nerd (understatement of the year).  I love to learn new things, therefore, I have quite a few items that relate to new LEARNING/SKILLS:

     6.  Learn to make sushi
     7.  Learn to make bread
     8.  Learn about wine (types, pairings, etc.)
     9.  Learn how to utilize herbs better (pairings, etc.)
     10.  Learn to can/preserve
     11.  Learn to sew on a sewing machine
     12.  Learn to carve
     
Doing things I've never really done before can both be exciting and a little scary, since I never know what the experience will be like. Here are some new EXPERIENCES:

     13.  Start and maintain a vegetable garden for 2 seasons
     14.  Start an herb garden - experiment with both inside and outside possibilities
     15.  See Wicked/Phantom of the Opera/or Beauty & Beast on Broadway
     16.  Skydive
     17.  NFL game
     18.  Eat at a new restaurant 1 out of 3 times when Scott and I are on a date or out with friends.
     19.  *Left blank due to sensitive content


There are a few things I currently enjoy that I made some new GOALS for:

     20.  Complete 5 Pinterest projects
     21.  Return to my wedding weight
     22.  Read 5 new non-fiction books
     23.  Read 5 new fiction books
     24.  Get up-to-date on my scrapbooking

Habits are so easy to break and so hard to build.  There are a couple things I'd like to become habits in my life. Knowing that these will probably be the most difficult things on my list to achieve, here's what I'm hoping will become HABITS:

     25.  Brush teeth before bed (I know, I know...that's why it's on the list!)

     26.  Find a consistent time/place for spending time in prayer/reading the Bible/hanging with God.
     27.  Exercise an average of 4 days a week - registering for 5K/10K's at various points to keep me on track over the year.
     28.  Eat cleaner and healthier - average 1 out of the 3 meals (2/week) that focuses on veggies and lean protein.

 Last, but not least.  I love my husband and marriage takes work.  I choose to love him every day and some days I am more successful than others. I never want him to go a day without knowing he is loved and respected.  These last 2 relate to maintaining intimacy within our MARRIAGE:

     29.  Read 2 books that relate to strengthening marriage
     30.  Maintain the 3x4 - Thanks to my friend Tanya for posting this article.

As these items are accomplished or once I feel like I've gotten a handle on some of them, I'll be posting my progress on the blog.  I am mostly posting this to keep myself accountable to actually follow through on my list.  Plus, I think this could be a fairly entertaining ride.

Are you doing anything similar?  If so, what items are on your list?

Moments in Time

Teaching is a lot like being a mother.  Besides the obvious and annoying reasons, like having to remind kids to pick up after themselves, play nice with others, and keep their hands to themselves, and besides the philosophical reasons, like investing time, energy, and love into children with the unyielding hope that you are somehow changing the world and making it a better place.  Between these two extremes lies a similarity that has caused me both grief and joy as a teacher.  It may simply be referred to by a phrase we often use, "Time flies".

As a 6th year teacher, I can see this phrase holding fast.  Even as I look back on this current year the passage of time has been consistent and leaves me wondering where the year has already gone.  Day to day, block by block, it often does not.  In fact, many times during class periods I feel as if somehow time is regressing.  Much joy comes from the passage of time - the ending of a school year (finally) and the starting of summer, getting rid of a student or class who has made you want to kill yourself many times or at least not want to get out of bed in the morning, and seeing the awkward, little, annoying Freshmen transform into semi-adults.  However, the passage of time is a double-edged sword.  While I am filled with joy seeing the once Freshman I had transform, tears always well up in my eyes as I watch them walk across the stage at graduation.  Every year I watch my beloved AP students leave, students into whom I've invested and poured time, energy, and love.  They always end up leaving and leave me once again starting all over with a new batch of students.  Summer flies even faster than the school year, which again brings sorrow and nervousness as to what the new year will be like.  As a teacher, you learn to adapt to an ever-changing environment and understand that the passage of time can bring relief as well as mourning. 

This is the same paradox that parents face. I think I knew that as a teacher it would be similar since everyone tells new teachers the same thing they tell new parents, "Write things down, you'll forget all the great/funny things that happen", "The first year is the worst, it will get better", and "Before you know it, the year is over".  However, experiencing this passage of time as a parent makes you really annoyed because all these people really are right.  You really do need to write things down because you won't remember them, the first year really is terrible, and I really can't believe 7 months has gone by already.

As I look back over the past 7 months and over my 6 years of teaching, I can't remember the day to day occurrences - the funny things, the great stories, or what I said or did.  All I have are small snippets of time; small moments frozen in time that I know will fade into the background of "life" if they are not somehow preserved.  So, I am going to preserve the few moments I currently have frozen in my mind.

I remember...

• The moment I saw Esther for the first time.  I never felt connected to her while I was pregnant, but the moment I saw her I wanted to hold her.  I didn't care that she was screaming or gross and covered in slime, I needed to hold her.
• The first time they wheeled her into my room after she had been cleaned up after the delivery.  She was still, unmoving, except for her eyes.  They were wide open, bright, and moving.  Her eyes met mine and my heart stopped and I thought "What do I do now?" I didn't even feel like I knew her.  I was not overcome by an overwhelming love or connection to her.  I was terrified.
• Being scared every night for the first 4 months. Scared she would wake up, scared she would scream and never stop, scared I would throw her out of frustration, scared I wouldn't get any sleep and be more exhausted than I already was the next day, scared because every night looked different than the last.  There is nothing predicable with a newborn.
• The feeling that there was no longer an ending or starting to my day.  My life existed as a series of 1.5 hour segments.  1.5 hours to nurse, 1.5 hours to do something, another 1.5 hours to nurse, etc.  I existed on a 24 hour schedule for the first 3 months. 
• Frustration at how much of my freedom was taken.  I couldn't even pee w/o having to think about Esther first!  I mourned the loss of the freedom I had so easily taken for granted.
• Crying as I sat at the base of her crib willing her to go to sleep.  Wishing my life was different. Wishing I could leave. So exhausted.
• Watching Scott pull out of the driveway when he would leave to work nights.  Jealous of his freedom.  He was not a prisoner in his own home. He could leave and feel like a regular person.  He could leave everything behind...
• Leaving the house for a walk one night and talking to God, imploring him to explain to me again why He had so explicitly called me into motherhood.  Arriving back at the house and sobbing so hard as my body willed me to not enter, to not face the responsibility that was inside.
• Holding her singing "Amazing Grace" and "Trust and Obey" at the top of my lungs so she could hear it over her crying. Willing her to hear it and calm down. Cursing whatever it was I ate that gave her this uncomfortable gas.
• Texting Scott in the middle of the night updates on how things were going as he was at work. 
• Feeling the weight of the responsibility I had entered into.  I could no longer be a selfish person, I could no longer think of myself first.  The dawning of the realization that no child ever survives without the ultimate selfless sacrifice of their mother and the final understanding of exactly what the sacrifice costs. 
• The complete understanding of the entirety of how much God loves me.  He paid the ultimate selfless sacrifice out of unconditional love and His love is often not returned by us.  I wanted to love Him back more than ever because I finally understood exactly what it feels likes to selflessly sacrifice for someone who does not even acknowledge your presence.
• The day I returned to work.  I fed her and placed her back into her crib, sound asleep.  Knowing that when she woke up, with the bright eyes only babies are blessed with, she would not see my eyes peering back at her.  I walked out to my car and crumpled into Scott.  Sobbing into his shoulder my fears that she would think I abandoned her and realizing for the first time that I actually had grown to love her.  
• The first time I knew Esther recognized me.  My heart swelled.
• The first time she really started babbling, when I could see she was a person.  She smiled back at me and continued babbling.  I could have watched her for hours because her babbles were feeding my soul - scorched and weary from serving so long w/o anything in return.
• Laying under her activity mat with her after we got back from Thanksgiving. Scott had just started traveling again, it was his first night away from us.  Esther was smiling into the mirror, kicking away, and my heart ached for him. I missed him so much and was so overwhelmed by the beauty of what my daughter was doing in front of me.  How far she had come from the early days. I couldn't believe the transformation that was occurring before my eyes and I wanted so badly for Scott to be there, to understand the significance of what I was watching.
• The thrill and exhilaration every time I noticed her doing something new that she hadn't been able to do before - laughing, starting to reach, bat, roll, play with her hands, pull her feet to her mouth, and sit.

I have a hunch that most of these moments in time are frozen in my mind because of the amount of emotion that is associated with them.  I can often look at pictures I snapped of these moments and the emotions come flooding back.  I hope that doesn't go away.  This is my small attempt to make sure I always remember the journey.  Even though they may be seen as ugly moments, they are the necessary path in motherhood.  They are the moments that have shaped me and my relationship with Esther.  They are the moments that make me a real mom, a real person.  I want to remember the good, the bad, and the ugly moments in time because they are part of what makes this a real story...my story.

2011 Reflections/Christmas Letter

Greetings Family and Friends,

2011 was a year of change for the Jaquet household.  While celebrating Christmas 2010 with our families, we announced the coming of our first child in August 2011.  This Christmas, we will be celebrating with our 4 month old daughter, Esther Noelle.  For almost 5 years, we have enjoyed life as a married couple – having the freedom to go and do as we pleased with our only responsibility being our 3 year old dog, Lily, who (let’s be honest) pretty much takes care of herself.  This year we transitioned to being a family of three.  This change has been accompanied by tears, long nights, frustrating moments, increasing responsibility, and a steep learning curve.  We have had to re-learn what it means to sacrifice, to love, to surrender, and to be a family.  While the change has not been easy, it has also been accompanied by smiles, little laughs, gurgling, kicking, finger-grasping, and developmental milestones that somehow seem to make all the challenges fade into the background.

While our home life has drastically changed, our work life has not.  We are both thankful to be at great jobs we enjoy with awesome co-workers.  Scott is finishing his fourth year at R.J. Corman, a railroad company.  He is on the road a lot, making sure the administrative side of the derailment divisions he’s in charge of run smoothly.  This typically involves handling their paperwork, hiring/firing, and making sure they can access money to buy things they need.  This year he spent most of his time in Pittsburgh and Toledo with a few visits to Huntington, Nashville, Columbus, and Atlanta.  It has been a challenge for both of us to deal with the traveling now that Esther is here.  We are both thankful he is always home on weekends.  Weekend mornings have become a daddy/daughter time, which allows me time to grade and work on things for school. 

I will be finishing my sixth year at East Jessamine High School, teaching Biology and AP Biology.  I am teaching 3 class periods this year instead of four.  The decrease in work has helped give me more time at home with Esther, but it has been challenging learning to balance the demands of work and home.  In May, I graduated from Asbury University with a Masters degree in Education and an endorsement in Teacher as Leader.  The work I was involved in at Asbury ignited a change in my classroom.  I piloted a new approach to teaching high school and had the privilege this past year of sharing my experience with teachers in the district and state.  I spent time this summer teaching teachers on this approach and have found it to be a rewarding experience.  I was honored when my school recognized these efforts by naming me East High’s 2011 Teacher of the Year.

Esther Noelle made her arrival into the world on August 27, 2011.  She was named after my Grandma, Esther Gerber, whom I always admired and felt close. She seems to be a pretty chill baby (though we really have no frame of reference).  She is growing, changing, and developing.  It has been fun watching her transform.  She spends her mornings and early afternoons at the babysitters, who are lovingly referred to as Nana and Papa by the kids they watch.  She has also loved getting to spend different weeks with her Grandmothers when they come down to visit.

We look to 2012 with anticipation of how Esther will change as she continues to grow.  At the same time, we know that these changes will continue to stretch and grow us as parents.  We are thankful to God for the blessings he has given to us, for his companionship when things get rough, and for wisdom as we look to Him for guidance on our journey into parenthood. 

Scott, Jolene, and Esther Jaquet